It's not unusual to still hear Ephesians 5:22, or Colossians 3:18-19 used during a wedding ceremony. Many will point to such texts and claim that here are Biblical directives for women to do whatever their husband demands of them and to remind women of their "proper place." Unfortunately, to interpret these passages in this way misses the overarching messages of both Ephesians 5 (Christian living as a whole) and Colossians 3 (how the church functions and relates to its surrounding society), not to mention that it dismisses the point Paul is making in each case.
Submit to One Another
Paul states in Ephesians 5:21, right before "women be submissive to your husbands," that everyone should "submit to one another." As Christ became a slave for us, so we also become servants to one another. It’s a continuation of the same thought: be submissive to one another, regardless of gender—women, "be submissive to your husbands just as you are submissive to the Lord." Women are to be submissive to one another, the Lord, as well as to their husbands.
What is usually forgotten, however, is that the following verses which address men’s roles are equally "submissive" oriented. In fact Paul takes great pains to spell this out in far more detail than in his exhortation to women because this was such a new and different way of looking at male and female relationships. Women were already accustomed to the "submissive" role. Men, however, were not.
Husbands, Love Your Wives
Starting with 5:25, Paul implores husbands to love their wives in the same way Christ loved the church. Christ “gave himself over," or sacrificed himself for the sake of the church. So also are husbands to give themselves over to their wives. This, too, is a submissive statement. Christ became a servant for the sake of humanity, so men are to become servants to their wives. This all fits within the context of verse 21, "submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." Turn yourselves over to each other, work together, serve one another. This is not a statement of domination, but rather a statement of mutual submissiveness.
Degradation Contrary to Christian Love
A degrading servile interpretation of "submit" in relation to Christ is not only unwarranted, but completely contradictory to Paul’s point. Rather, submission characterizes the relationship between Christ and His Father. The point here is that of a love characterized by self-surrender and sacrifice, and is given for the well-being of the "other." A husband and wife actually become "one flesh," they are no longer two persons but one. The mutual relationship is being nourished and sustained by each fulfilling the needs of the other.
"For the Husband is the Head of the Wife"
Paul’s reference to the relationship between God and Christ is very important in understanding “headship” and the relationship between husbands and wives. While the Father and Son are equal in essence, they have different roles. The Son “submits” to the headship and will of the Father, even though, in essence, they are one in the same.
God handed over all authority to the Son, just as the Son submitted to the Father’s will. This is not God telling Christ to do whatever his little whim might be, but a trusting, loving relationship between the two where Christ recognized the Father’s will to be right and good, and submitted to that will, and the Father gave Christ all that was His. Within a marriage, it works much the same way. Not that a woman just automatically does whatever the husband tells her to do, but to recognize when there is good in what the husband asks of his wife, and for the husband to share with his wife all that is his.
Unfortunately, sin is still present within a marriage. Unlike the relationship between Christ and the Father, not every “will” of the husband is “good.” Within a relationship where abuse or mistreatment occurs, then a woman does not blindly obey simply because he is her husband. The husband has violated the marital covenant through this abuse. Likewise, if a woman attempts to “usurp” or undermine her husband in some fashion, she too is violating the relationship. The two are to work together for the good of the relationship. (To read more regarding how sin affected male/female relationship, read: A New View of Eve's Curse)
First Century Society's View of Women's Roles
Where Ephesians engages the theological concerns of the relationship between husbands and wives, Colossians 3:18-22 speaks more aptly to the social realities of Paul’s day. Since Christians were not at liberty to overturn the societal structures of their time, Paul addresses how Christians might live out their corporate life within those strictures. While in Christ, there is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, society revealed a different reality. Women fulfilled a certain "role" within the Greco-Roman society. Thus, women were encouraged to keep their place within that social order, just as slaves were encouraged to fulfill their societal role as slaves with obedience and hard work.
However, despite the societal constraints, Paul still appeals to Christian husbands to love their wives and not treat them as the second class citizens society viewed them as, thus elevating their stature within Christian constructs and understanding. Given that children were also held in low esteem within Greco-Roman culture, it is a striking statement for Paul to suggest that children also have rights, upholding the counter-cultural nature of the Christian family as a whole and increased "rights" and elevated roles of both women and children.
In fact, other Pauline writings, such as 1 Corinthians 7:3-6, instruct husbands that they do not "own" their own bodies, introducing a new equality within the "bedroom" aspect of marital relationships. Previously, it was understood that husbands "owned" their wife's sexuality. Now Paul states that while this is true, a wife also owns the husband's body - a shocking statement to first century Jewish and Greek men alike.
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